- It is a scientific fact that it is impossible to not eat children’s leftovers. It doesn’t matter if it’s a cold gross chip or a half slobbered on chicken nugget, down the gullet it goes. No matter how hard I try to stop doing this, my want not waste not upbringing makes me think it’s a better idea to scoff it than throw it in the bin. If I stopped doing this I imagine I would lose several stone.
- It’s also a scientific fact that it’s mandatory for mam’s to take an ‘opening tax’ of each item opened. You want crisps opened? Well that’s going to cost you one crisp thank you. You want a cracker, well that’s a cracker for me. It’s important to uphold your feudal duties.
- You are knackered all the time meaning that you need to drink approximately 80 billion caffeinated drinks per day. All that tea, coffee and pop has calories that add up.
- Obviously, you need a biscuit for dunking when you have your 80 billion cups of tea so you get the ‘biscuit thighs’.
- It’s also a scientific fact that sleep deprivation makes you eat more. I haven’t slept since circa 2011 so quite frankly it’s a wonder I don’t weigh as much as a small elephant.
- You’ve added more people to your family. More people = more birthdays = more birthday cake. It’s just simple delicious maths.
- Pre-kids, going to the gym would have seemed like a chore. Now the thought of going to the gym alone seems like THE unachievable dream. You want to go exercise but you can never get rid of your children, who cling to your legs and sob whenever you try to escape. I can’t even pee alone so going to the gym without them is pure fantasy.
- When you’ve had a particularly full on day (often), where they’ve said ‘shit’ at school and your toddler kicks a stranger’s dog, you need a glass of medicinal alcohol when they’ve gone to bed to soothe your fraught nerves. There is a reason there is a term ‘beer belly’.
- You eat more when you are happy and those little blighters make you happier than you could have ever imagined, so you celebrate with lots of cake and ice cream.
- You realise that you are actually a bad-ass who grew and birthed humans so you care less if your arse wobbles because deep down you know you are a god-damn hero.
I once read that those 5lbs everyone always wants to lose are your fun times. They are your meals out with friends, your takeaways to celebrate birthdays, the buffet at a celebratory party, your ice creams at the beach and your cake and cuppa at your favourite cafe. They are 5lbs of life’s simple pleasures. Most people would rather have a life of those things rather than weigh 5lbs less which is why we never seem to lose the 5lbs. So don’t sweat it. Your kids don’t notice that half a stone, they will just remember a happy childhood of life’s simple pleasures.
And I can guarantee, in the future you will look back on photos of yourself now and think, I wish I still had that figure now. So go eat the damn cake and be happy, and never forget what a bad-ass you are.
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