Why we decided to get married after 11 years – and are doing it in a month

Why we decided to get married after 11 years – and are doing it in a month

Last week, we shocked our family and friends by announcing we were going to get married on February 14th 2020. We have been together since November 2008 and have always gone backwards and forwards on whether we wanted to get married and usually swung to not wanting to.

As a historian and feminist, marriage to me has always seemed like a very archaic institution steeped in sexism and misogyny. Historically, a woman would be given by her father with a dowry (not unlike a sale tbh) and then would belong to her husband akin to chattel, with no legal rights over her own body or her own children. I belong to no one. I’m no one’s to ‘give away’ or to own and even though I know (most) people don’t believe that these days (don’t get me started on the new #tradwife movement), I can’t quite shake the historical beginnings of it all.

In addition to my concerns, we have never really had savings and didn’t want to get into debt for something that to us, seemed of little importance to us as atheists who are happy to ‘live in sin’.

Weddings these days seem to have become an industry within themselves. Apparently, the average wedding in the UK now costs £30,355, according to Bridebook. We couldn’t even justify (or afford) a 6th of that expense! As far as we are concerned, that kind of money would be much better spent on education, property and holidays. Not for a 1-day extravaganza!

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We’re getting married in 5 weeks! 😵 After over 11 years together, a mortgage and 2 kids, we finally decided on Tuesday that we would get married. We’ve got the first appointments we could to give notice early next week and all going well we will be getting married on Valentines Day 2020. No messing about! We are doing minimal fuss – no rings, I’m not taking his name, registry office with just our parents and the kids. BUT we can’t decide what to do afterwards to make it meaningful. Currently torn between a meal with just immediate family or a non weddingy party (no speeches, no first dance etc). So I’m going to need all your suggestions for venues with a private dining room for a family meal. Cool venues that would allow us to hire it for a party on Valentine’s at a non astronomical wedding cost. Also we might go away straight after, with or without the kids so recommendations for that would be good. And last minute hen party/location ideas. Oh and I’d also appreciate it if any of you see cool non-weddingy Nyomi looking wedding outfits if you could wing them over to me. I’ve no idea what I want to wear. Basically, any recommendations you have, send them over because I have a lot to sort out very fast and I’m TERRIBLE at making decisions! I know I’m not asking much 😂 Bear with me the next few weeks as I’m distracted trying to do the 2 jobs and sort a wedding in a month (why do I do these things to myself 🙄😂). Many thanks!

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So why now? What has changed?

Well, the biggest reason we have changed our minds is we have realised just how much we would be penalised by the law financially and legally if one of us was to die. I was doing some research for my blog post about pensions and came across information that I hadn’t realised the full extent of. This revealed to me that should anything happen to one of us, the other would be much more vulnerable than if we were married or in a civil partnership. Common-law husband/wife is a total myth. I knew that but I didn’t know all of this…

Bereavement Support Payment

You may be able to get Bereavement Support Payment if your husband, wife or civil partner died on or after 6 April 2017. You could be eligible if your partner either:

  • paid National Insurance contributions for at least 25 weeks
  • died because of an accident at work or a disease caused by work

You’ll get a first payment and then up to 18 monthly payments. There are 2 rates:

RateFirst paymentMonthly payment
Higher rate£3,500£350
Lower rate£2,500£100

If you get Child Benefit (or if you do not get it but are entitled to it), you’ll get the higher rate.

So if you are entitled to the maximum amount, that’s £9,800 you would lose out on. That’s a canny life insurance policy just for the sake of being married, isn’t it?

Marriage Tax Allowance

To be honest this is a bit of a joke. It only benefits where one half of a married couple or civil partnership is a basic 20% rate taxpayer and the other a non-taxpayer. As we both work it is of no benefit to us. If it does apply to you you can gain an additional £238 a year via an alteration to your tax code. David Cameron introduced this as a marriage incentive. The privileged prat couldn’t get anything right.

Inheritance – tax and property

When you are married (or in a civil partnership), you inherit your spouse’s estate and don’t pay inheritance tax. If you aren’t married or in a civil partnership then you don’t inherit anything automatically and if you do, you have to pay inheritance tax on it. Unmarried couples can pass assets valued up to £325,000 upon death via a will, but anything above this is subject to 40% inheritance tax.

If you jointly own your home, you may not even get their half of what your deceased partner has paid towards your mortgage! It all depends on how you own your property. If you own as tenants in common the property doesn’t automatically go to your partner if you die, if you are registered as joint tenants you have equal rights to the whole property, then the property automatically goes to your partner when you die. I didn’t even know that there were two types and have no idea which we have! Worth looking into if you are unmarried.

If you have children together, are unmarried, and die without a will, then your children will inherit everything that you own. If your children are under 18, then whatever they inherit will be held in a trust for them until they reach adulthood.

While this money can be used for your child’s benefit and education, it does mean that your partner won’t have direct access to what’s held in the trust. If your partner is financially dependent on you, this can cause serious problems for them in terms of what they can afford and their lifestyle.

Savings and investments

Of less concern to us is, if married, savings and investments can be freely moved between spouses – without any risk of later inheritance tax, or capital gains tax.

The ISA allowance itself can also be passed on to a spouse. So if they’ve £30,000 in ISAs when they die, you get this allowance on top of your own ISA allowance.

Pensions

If your spouse or civil partner dies, you may be able to get extra payments from their pension or national insurance contributions, as long as you’ve not already built up the full basic state pension entitlement yourself, as well as inheriting some of their additional state pension.

Also, many workplace, personal and private pension schemes will only pass on benefits to a surviving partner if the couple had been married.

Next of kin

When married, your spouse will always have the authority to act as next of kin. If not married, it depends on the hospital etc whether they accept your authority as next of kin in a medical emergency.

Witnesses at court

If you’re an unmarried partner, you can be called as a witness for or against the other partner in both civil and criminal cases. You can be forced to appear and give evidence. If married, you can be called as a witness against your spouse in some cases but you can’t be forced to appear as a witness for the prosecution in a criminal case against your husband or wife (there are some exclusions for this).

Now we know…

So whilst I knew we didn’t have exactly the same rights, I didn’t realise the full extent of the financial and legal limitations we face for not being married. Even though we own a house, car and have 2 children and have been together for 11 years. For more information about unmarried/married couples/civil partnership rights see the Citizens Advice.

Now that we do know, I feel as though we are tempting fate. Hence us wanting to get married as fast as possible. Once we decided to do it (a mutual decision via email, we didn’t do proposals) we booked the first appointments to give notice and one of the first appointments we could at the registry office.

Doing it our way

So we decided that we should get married almost as an insurance policy in case anything happens to one of us, especially whilst the children are young. BUT we are going to do it our way…

Valentine’s Day wedding

We have decided to get married on Valentine’s Day. Firstly, because of the reasons we are getting married we thought why hang about?! Secondly, we have always made more of a fuss of Valentine’s than our anniversary (as our birthdays are just a day apart and our anniversary is less than a week afterwards so we have usually given/eaten/drank everything we want to by then). So normally we do nothing for our anniversary and instead do something for Valentine’s Day. Neither of us wanted an additional day to remember and celebrate. Plus it saves us having to figure out what to do on Valentine’s this day!

This means there will be 37 days from deciding to get married to doing the deed. 28 days is the minimum time that you can give notice for and we got the earliest appointments we could from deciding. There were none left that would allow us to make the 28 day minimum actually, we had to squeeze in by going in separately to give notice on different days! There will be 30 days between us giving notice and getting married.

Registry Office wedding

Initially, we decided we would just do the simplest registry office option and nothing else but then we thought we would have parents as witnesses and then felt bad that we would drag them there and then do nothing so we will be having a meal for immediate family afterwards.

Family meal

We have booked a private dining room in a hotel in Newcastle. We’ve also got a fancy pants hotel room for afterwards. We are having just parents (and partners), siblings and their kids. It will be a party of 12 adults and 6 kids. Whilst I would have liked to open it up to cousins and aunties/uncles it would have just become too expensive for us. Guests wouldn’t have to pay for food at a regular wedding so we don’t want them to have to pay for this.

No party

We did consider having a big party for our wider families but with two young kids, we just couldn’t justify the expense when it could go towards their education or family experiences for us. This way is much more us too. We don’t want a big fuss, we just want it to be low key and chilled out.

Then afterwards, later in the evening, we will get changed and meet up with some friends for regular Friday night drinks at our favourite bars in Newcastle. Including the one where we had our first date.

No rings, no name change

We won’t be doing rings. I won’t be changing my name. I know the historical connotations of those as signs of women essentially being chattel belonging to their husbands and I’m not down for that tradition. Also, I live to physical a life for jewellery. I also won’t be referring to myself as Mrs. I’ll remain Ms. If men have one Mr marker through their life that doesn’t change based on marital status then neither should ours.

Accidental wedding dress

I wasn’t going to wear a wedding dress but then I tried on my mam’s 1982 wedding dress out of curiosity and posted a boomerang on Instagram and I had hundreds of you all telling me I HAD to wear it so now I will be. It’s totally over the top for the kind of wedding we will be having but it’s free, meaningful and it has a motherfucking cape y’all. So I’m wearing it.

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For our ‘no-fuss’ wedding I didn’t want to wear a wedding dress. Top of my current list is a red tuxedo style jumpsuit and a red velvet dress BUT today I visited my mam and we decided to try on her wedding dress from 1982 just because 🤷🏻‍♀️ Turns out it fits and it has a cape. You know how I feel about capes! 😍 I posted it on my Instagram Stories and my inbox is full of messages telling me I should wear it. It’s meant to all be white but it was never cleaned after my mam and dad’s wedding so the beige bits are meant to be white. It smells like charity shop. Would need a good clean but I’m sure that’s doable. It is 100% OTT for the chilled out registry office and meal we are planning BUT I do love that my mam married my dad in it (still married after 37 years), it’s free (and saves me a job) and it’s about as sustainable and ethical as it gets. If I was choosing a white gown for myself I wouldn’t choose this style. I think it drowns me a little but I do love the cape. Is this vintage? Would I be wearing vintage – that feels posh 😂 I’ve had lots of messages saying it’s v Stevie Nicks, Kate Bush and Florence Welsh which is making me biased. I don’t think Papa G was a fan but I think that’s just because he wants to dress super casual and thinks he can’t if I wear this. What does everyone think? Wear it or stick with the plan to wear non white and non traditional? Scroll to see photos of my mam in it back in November 1982. Also, mad respect to my nana in THAT coat, the ultimate OG. (PS spot the Lena!)

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But first, the hen do…

So if you excuse me, I’ve rather a lot to sort over the next 3 weeks! Saturday is my hen do which is going to involve axe throwing (I like to be different, what of it), a meal and drinks, and then indie nights at my fave pubs in Newcastle. I know I’m not being traditional but a hen do is an excuse to have a piss up with your mates so unsurprisingly I’m down for that bit!

If you want to see more of what’s going on, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Facebook. My pals on Instagram have been helping me make all my decisions via polls – from the dress to my golden wedding boots!

If you want me to do a blog post about the wedding day after it’s happening then let me know in the comments!

Why we decided to get married after 11 years - and are doing it in a month
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12 Comments

  1. Sam King
    January 23, 2020 / 20:14

    Woah, woah, woah! My partner and I are in a similar position. We’ve been together 13 years, 2 kids and a mortgage.. I had no idea on all those laws etc. Forwarding this blog post to him NOW! 🙈 Thank you for all this information.
    Your dress is absolutely gorgeous, by the way!x

    • January 29, 2020 / 21:27

      Good luck! And thank you!

  2. Rachael stray
    January 23, 2020 / 20:29

    My parents (dad and step Mam) were together for 20 odd years before they got married. It was not long after we’d moved house and they were dealing with all the paperwork etc and realised all the legal stuff – I would be my dads next of kin in some cases eg hospital and all the inheritance tax things too that they decided to get married. They used the register office in Newcastle and an old friend of my dads carried out their ceremony. They got married in October and it was an Indian summer. Congratulations to you both and for doing it your way.

  3. January 23, 2020 / 20:31

    I bloomin’ love this! Great attitude. So excited for you and that dress is amazing, it looks perfect. Can’t wait to see photos of your day! Melis

  4. January 27, 2020 / 16:52

    All those implications of not being married, you have certainly done your research and I love that you are doing it YOUR way as I believe every wedding should be. You look stunning in your Mam’s dress and I am sure you will have the best day. We have been married for 19 years this year and he still makes me smile lol. All the very best and I will be raising a glass of bubbles for you and Mark x

    • January 29, 2020 / 21:30

      Thanks so much Tracey. You always leave the loveliest comments. x

  5. February 9, 2020 / 00:01

    This is such an interesting read! First of all congratulations for when you do get married. I have a lot of the same feelings about the origins of marriage but i’m also a proper romantic and soppy person so I really struggle with my ideas about marriage. I’m so glad to read a post that feels far more sensible than throwing £30K on one day of your life! I hope you have a great wedding day!

    Shannon 🙂

    • February 12, 2020 / 12:59

      Thank you Shannon. It’s a tough one isn’t it!

  6. Lois
    February 15, 2020 / 13:28

    Thank you so much, this is the exact research I’ve been meaning to do re the legal and financial implications of not being married to my partner, have suggested a civil partnership to him. Very interested in this option as also never been taken with the idea of marriage based on the history of it and not feeling like it would change out relationship in. We are 15 years in with a 3 year old xx

    • February 21, 2020 / 14:06

      Sounds like we have very similar mindsets on it all. Good luck Lois

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