The answer to this is really simple. You can’t. Welcome to the life of pre-sunrise starts. It fucking sucks.
Both my kids suck for sleep. I’ve mentioned this before here and here. Not only do they both wake frequently at night and demand to bedshare but they also both have this crazy effective internal alarm clock that wakes them up at 5.30am every day. It’s super annoying.
Let me tell you, I’ve tried everything to get these little turds to sleep later. I’ve read all the articles and tried it all. It does not work. If I put my kids to bed later, they still wake up the exact same time. I keep them in bed and don’t let them get out till a reasonable time, they give zero shits. I’ve tried feeding them breakfast later, earlier, yada yada, tried it all, it doesn’t work.
When someone complains to me about their kids getting up early at 7am I want to poke them in the eye. That’s a lie-in you swine. I’d give my left tit for such a treat (maybe even the right and that’s the better one)!
And don’t get me started on the clocks changing. They go back in a week and there is every chance my kids will now be getting up at 4.30am all winter. It has happened before. Winter is coming my amigos and I am actively afraid.
So what can you do when you are living your life like you’ve got up to catch an early flight every day but you ain’t got no sunny holiday at the end to make it worth it? Like a zombie apocalypse Rick Grimes, you do whatever it takes to survive!
My top 5 tips for dealing with an early riser
1. Go to bed with them. Even if that’s 7.30pm. Even if you only do it some of the time. It will help you survive a grade A sleep thief.
2. Have toys and books near the bed so when they wake early you can shove them at them while you lay and piss about on your phone while you come to/stop sobbing.
3. Screen time is your friend. It’s all good and well thinking screen time is the devil but 5am is not the time to be righteous. It was a happy occasion when my son figured out to use the iPad by himself. Now we keep one fully charged (this is key, if it dies mid surprise egg video you are fucked) by his bed so when he wakes at daft o’clock he can piss about watching his inane toy videos and we can snooze.
4. The same applies to morning cartoons, movies, whatever will shut them up for a bit once you get downstairs.
5. Tea/coffee drink and repeat until you feel semi-human, the best you can hope for is the feeling of a ‘mild hangover’ which adds insult to injury as you didn’t get to drink because your kid rises with the enthusiasm of a CBeebies presenter on ketamine.
And to all you fuckers who told me that I’d be dragging my son out of bed once he started school I call bullshit. He still gets up at the exact same time, 3.5 hours before school starts – #blessed.
‘They’ also tell me that I’ll be waking them up when they are teenagers but I’ve decided not to get my hopes up because everything else ‘they’ have told me is a crock of shit.
So if you need me, I’ll be available from 5.30am-7.30pm for the next 18 years. I’ve heard 50 is the new 30 when it comes to partying anyway…
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